Thursday, May 8, 2014

Beauty in the mess

I'm sure a lot of you have read or have seen the story floating around Instagram about the sweet little boy, Ryan, who tragically passed away Friday (click here to read his story). This story hits way too close to home for me, as I'm sure it does for the rest of you mamas.
After hearing what had happened, it made me really analyze how I am living my life with my child. And I have realized that I too often focus on the negative and not as much on the positive. And that's not fair to my child whom I absolutely adore and would do anything for. It's time for me to change and to really start loving every. single. aspect. of being a mother... Being a mother to my sweet boy, who loves life and loves his mom. I need to find the joy in messy floors and stinky clothes. I need to find the joy in having a crazy, energetic toddler who keeps me going all day long. I need to, because I can. And I will not let these days go by and let myself have any negative thoughts about being a mother.
Here are some things you should know about me: I am not perfect. I struggle a lot. I can be impatient. I get frustrated. I let my emotions get the best of me. I get stressed. I can't handle toys being scattered across the floor. I cringe when I hear that bucket of toys being dumped on the floor. I (sometimes) swear when I step on one of those little cars that Evan didn't put away. I slip on the blocks that are covering my floors. I battle to get clothes on Evan because he prefers to be in his underwear.  I'm constantly vacuuming and mopping our floors. I have peanut butter and pizza sauce smothered into my couch cushions. My rug most likely smells like mildew from all of the spilled cups of water that its absorbed. And sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs because I am just so over the day and it's only 11am. 
But I am changing my perspective on all of these things you could call, "annoyances."
I feel grateful that I have a child who has the biggest imagination and plays with every single one of his toys. I'm grateful for the noise of toys being dumped and dropped on the floor. It's reminding me that my child is playing and using his imagination to create different worlds to play in. I'm grateful that I have a healthy child who I can take to the park. Who jumps off the slides and asks me to push him in the swing. I'm grateful he wants to build block towers with me and knock them down just to do it all over again. I'm grateful to see the joy in my child's eyes as he jumps off the couch in just his underwear. I'm grateful I can provide food for my child, even if most of it ends up on the floor and couch.
  I'm grateful I have my baby boy to argue with, to test me, to push my buttons, because that means he is here, with me. I have my little boy to play with, to cuddle with, to fight with, to lose (many) battles with, to race cars with, to help me throw the laundry on the bed, to help me "put away" the dishes, to jump and scream and run around with, to swim with, to eat with, to be my driving buddy, to give me cuddles when I've had a hard day, and to kiss my boo-boos better when I step on one of those blasted cars. I'm grateful for his big, beautiful brown eyes. I'm grateful for his little clammy hands and chubby feet. I'm grateful for all of these things that make my baby, my baby.
And lastly, I am grateful that I get to see the good and the bad in life and experience it with him.
 My heart is heavy as I feel for this family and their loss. I feel selfish for being able to continue to experience this life with Evan. Things can and do happen in the blink of an eye and I will never again take advantage of one single moment that I have to be Evan's mom.

I also realized I have no normal pictures with Evan that are taken with a real camera. Apparently we can only take weird ones with the iphone. One of these days we'll get some legit pictures. Anyone in South Florida that's a photographer and wants to help're hired!


  1. What a lovely post!
    I get the same way as well when I hear of children being abused or losing their lives, my son is only 6 months old but I couldn't imagine life without him. Definitely have to be thankful for every day good or bad.

    1. Tara - Thank you! It gets hard to see the beauty in being a mother on those hard days but I'm definitely grateful that I'm at least given the opportunity to have those bad days with my son still in my life. I hope you're enjoying your little one. They seriously grow out of that baby stage way too fast. It's not fair :)